Unemployed…Time to Back Up and Punt….

Ok… so here I am again… in a similar, yet different situation.  I find myself laid off due to the economy.  Last time I was just flat out fired.  This time, I’m working until the end of the pay period, I’m getting some kind of severance, and my insurance will be covered until I get another job.  It just sucks.

In my heart… and more or less in my head… I know that everything will be ok.  God took care of me last time.. and I know he’ll take care of me this time.  I have a little bit of a buffer this time, which will help me while I’m looking for a job.  I’ve sent my resume to everyone I know… of course, due to the economy, no one is really hiring… but I have to believe that God has the right job out there for me… and in His perfect timing, He’ll lead me to it… or lead it to me.

So… I solicit everyone’s prayers… most of you know its been a tough week with my son’s broken heart and now this.  I must be doing something right, or the enemy wouldn’t be attacking me like this, right?!! 

If Not For The Lord… (and Michele and Ricsha… )

Oh… how that Ricsha girl hits me between the eyes sometimes…. forget about stepping on my toes… she hits me in the face… right where it hurts… I think its because she knows I’m so vain… lol  And my Chele… she just gets me… sometimes I don’t even have to say anything… she just knows… its a freaky 80’s thing, I’m pretty sure… or maybe because we were born in the same year… hmmm…

I’m pretty strong in most areas… but when it comes to men, I’m a total sell out.  What’s my price?  Not much… tell me I’m pretty and I’m done for.  I hate this about me.  Of all the character flaws that I know I have, all the physical flaws… what I hate the most is my need for acceptance, to be liked, to be loved, by a man. 

Ricsha and I have our Thursday morning time.  It used to be “ice cream” time… but we can never seem to get it together for that…   I think God has used this Thursday morning alone time for us far more than he did the ice cream…. plus its less sugar and zero carbs…   Sometimes I look at her and cringe…. see…. she’s pretty much everything I was supposed to be…. singing for God, great husband, great family… the christian girl’s path…. then I sold out.  Why did I sell out?  Acceptance, the need to be liked and loved… at that time… by a boy. 

Michele and I have our Sunday nights together.  Sometimes with Becky… who is always a fun addition… and sometimes just us.  With Michele, I can share my deepest, darkest things with… and she always loves me anyway.  Its crazy that her and I were just talking about my men issues Sunday night… and then Ricsha hits me with this sell out thing this morning…

God is so working on me… in ways unforeseen.  He’s breaking me down, and I’m so thankful.  Its time to take stock of what I’m up to again…and I’m so thankful He’s reeled me in before any major infractions… He’s so faithful and mighty to save, isn’t he?  I know the enemy is ready to attack my wall… I will stand guard and stand my ground.  I won’t be for sale…..  no matter how successful, sophisticated, sexy and smart he is…. :)

I’m so incredibly thankful and grateful for these friends God has placed in my life.   They never cease to remind me of who I am… and they keep me in check.  They pray for me… and I know it.  I can feel it… when that little voice on one shoulder says, “its ok, just do it”… and the other says, ” nuh-uh, don’t go there”.  I know that’s my friends interceding for me.  I know its not just Michele and Ricsha… but so many others too, that He uses to refine me…

He’s Just Not That Into You….

He’s Just Not That Into You….

I think its probably the hardest thing in the world to accept this concept… that He’s Just Not That Into You…..  I’ve recently read a book by the same title… and let me tell you.. it was actually empowering. It is, by no means, a piece of “christian literature”… however the advise is really sound… and dare I say, quasi-spiritual.  I believe that God calls His daughters to be special…. that He has someone out there that will make us FEEL special.  If the guy isn’t calling, if he isn’t texting, if he doesn’t want to see you, if he always seems to be too busy for you, if his friends are more important, or his job… or dare I say, his ministry…. He’s Just Not That Into You.  No matter a man’s station in life… divorced, separated, self-proclaimed bachelor… if they are into you, there is nothing that will keep them from you.  So… I’m learning to let go… because frankly… some of the men im my life, are just really not that into me…. but when they get it together… I may still be around… let’s just say I’m not sitting at home on Friday and Saturday nights…

Since I Haven’t Blogged Here In A While…..

God never ceases to amaze me… I mean really.  He’s always bringing blessings into my life… but at the same time, he hits me with challenges and situations that I just have NO idea what He’s trying to teach me.

Some of you already know about the amazing kiss from a few weeks ago.  This kiss was from a MAN…not a boy… but a MAN!!!    Sophisticated, successful, handsome, smart…. I could go on…. and the kiss was sweet, tender, slow…. perfect…. and it reminded me why I prefer men with some some age on them…   Plus… I’ve had a crush on this man for about 12 years… Well, the following Monday, he let me down easy… which I kind of expected.  He revealed to me that he wasn’t divorced, like I thought he was.  He was only separated and needed time to get over it and he didn’t want to drag me into the drama.  So… it was a great kiss from an emotionally unavailable man… but at least he had enough respect for me to be upfront from the beginning.  A lesser man would’ve taken me for a ride, that I’ve been on before…. and just left me there.  So, for that I’m thankful…

Then there’s guy # 2…. this one’s a musician who plays at my mother’s church.  My son has been mesmerized by his playing for about a year now.  This guy hit my MySpace, just because he saw me on another friend’s myspace, read my blogs, and decided he’d like to be my friend.  Simple enough…. except this one is also separated, but only for 7 months.  He’s only looking for friendship… which I’m pretty good at.  I have a knack for making potential suitors into brothers… my mom calls it a defense mechanism… I call it self-preservation…   He and I have hung out a little, in groups, but not together… just the group… and its nice… but again… an emotionally unavailable man…

then there’s guy #3.  believe it or not, this is a guy I made out with a couple of times in high school…   talk about your trips down memory lane.    He lives in Washington State, where I’m from.  I try not to give this one much thought because, let’s face it… I’m not moving there and he’s not moving here…. so this is a logistically unavailable man.

So… I have to ask God… why?  Lord, why have you provided me with men who are separated and not divorced?  Not only that… I was pretty content not looking for anyone…and now it feels like God has dropped these men in my lap…. I don’t know… maybe by the time Aaron’s gone, one of them will be emotionally available….

I sit and wait, because I know God has a plan and I know its perfect.  He just baffles me sometimes…

Under 30 Need Not Apply

Ugggh!!!!  Yes, that’s what I said…. Ugghh!!!  Why does my MySpace (and my FaceBook) constantly get hit by these little 20-somethings?  And honestly… what on earth makes them think that I would be interested in a boy?  And they sooooo clearly have NOT even looked at my profile to see what I’m all about!!!  That’s what gets me…. And the ones that do actually check out my profile think if they ask me about church or God that that’s their “in”.  Don’t they realize that a woman my age has been to the puppet show?  She’s seen the strings?  and she can recognize a “line” from a mile away?  Sweet Mother of Pearl!!!!

Ok… that’s my rant… tee hee

Why I’m Waiting….

I get asked this question alot…. Why are you still single?  What are you waiting for?I can’t really tell anyone why I’m still single… but I can tell you what I’m waiting for…. I’m waiting for God’s perfect timing and God’s perfect will for my life.  I believe that when the right man comes into my life, I won’t need to be convinced… I won’t need any signs. I don’t always take acts of coincidence as “signs from God”.  Not only that… I can’t think only about myself…. I have another life that I’ve brought into this world, with minimal help from the paternal unit… I have to think of his well-being and my relationship with him.  Why on earth would I rock his world and turn it completely upside down, just so I won’t be lonely when he’s gone?  That is the most selfish thing I’ve ever heard of…. Once he’s gone… I’ll have all kinds of time to do all the things I want to do… travel, date, whatever… it doesn’t have to be done now. I’m waiting because I can…. because there’s no rush…. because I’m not going to be bound by what society has deemed a “good marrying age”.  What is that anyway?  I’m single because being single gives me all the time with my God that I want, and that He wants with me.  I believe that God is continuing to work in me and being in a relationship, other than all the relationships I already have in place, would only take away from my time with Him.  I’m not ready to give that up… I think that’s why I find something wrong with every guy I meet… too tall, too skinny, doesn’t talk enough… whatever….  I’m just not ready… So… there’s your answer, for all those inquiring minds.  I’m not looking for a relationship… but when its the right time… God will bring him around.  I don’t think it’ll be for a while…   God is showing me how much He likes his “Alicia” time right now….

Think Fast!!!

God is continuing to show me his amazing love.  He’s showing me through my family, my friends, my boss… the list goes on.

Its crazy sometimes, how I can still find negativity in the middle of all this blessing…. Its almost like the enemy can’t get me in some of the areas he used to, so he’s going to get me somewhere else.  Usually ends up being my singing.

Being able to sing has pretty much defined who I am since about the age of 10.  My stuffed animals and baby dolls knew I could sing before that, but my family didn’t figure it out until I was 10.  My mom heard me singing to an Amy Grant album and that was it…. I was singing in church, that Sunday, to a recording of “Giggle”, recorded from the album to a cassette tape and played on a boom box.  Stephen Wallace would cringe…   But that was it.  From then on, it seemed that my very identity was placed solely on this one ability.  As a result, its become a great target for the enemy to use to make me second guess myself, those in leadership over me, and God. 

Ricsha talked about negative thoughts today in Ladie’s First…and I can’t wait to get started on the devotional she wrote.  A recent conversation with my good buddy, Chele, came crashing to the front of my head as Ricsha was talking.  The enemy had me in a negative place where I was second guessing my abilities, my assignment on the worship team, and what God thinks about me.  He started to tell me that I was being punished for things I’ve done…and that’s what I get for doing this or that.  I then verbalized it to Chele…and then I believed it.  Oh my goodness…. am I so glad that this was caught and the Lord revealed it to me for what it was… A LIE!!!  A lie from old red legs (that’s what my mom calls him… )

With all that God is doing in my life right now… I just don’t have the time, nor the patience, for the enemy’s lies or tactics to bring me down.  God is blessing me left and right…and allowing me to bless others as well.  He’s still sooooo amazing!!!

 

My Tribute….

Ok… so I can’t stop…. I just can’t.  I have to continue to tell everyone how amazing my God is and all that He’s doing in my life!!!

So… I went to court yesterday for my ticket that I got from the accident.  I was really anxious before I went into the court room, so I was praying in my car before…. asking God to take the anxiety away, because I knew it wasn’t from HIM…. regardless of what happened… he provided me with the money to pay the ticket…. so, that was really the worst thing that could happen… so what was the big deal.

The people I hit directly didn’t show… but the girl that was in the car in front of them did.  I’m not sure why… and I think the judge and police officer were also a little perplexed… but she did.  Therefore, the case wasn’t dismissed… but that’s sooooo ok.   The judge cut my fine in half…. in HALF!!!  Praise God!!!  What an incredible blessing!!

So… there’s a song that has been playing in my head over and over.  Its an old song, like from the 70’s I think… that was written by Andre Crouche called My Tribute… these are the words….

“How can I say thanks… for the things you have done for me…. things so undeserved, yet you gave to prove Your love for me…. the voices of a million angels could not express my gratitude… all that I am and ever hope to be… I owe it all to thee…..

To God be the glory…. to God be the glory…. to God be the glory, for the things He has done…. with His blood, He has saved me….with His power, He has raised me… to God be the glory, for the the things He has done.”

That’s most of it… I’m sure there’s a bridge in there somewhere…   It just really sums up what I’ve been feeling lately.

God is so amazing…..

More Amazing Blessings!!!

Ok…. so… if you’re getting tired of hearing it…I’m sorry…. and I don’t care.  I have to give glory and credit to the ONE who deserves it!!!

I was called Friday morning, out of the blue, by a woman I used to sing with at Northwood, saying that she was called to sing at a funeral but she wasn’t available and neither was our other friend, Theresa… could I possibly do it?  She said that it paid, so I’ll be honest, the possibility of a little extra scratch was appealing…   So I made arrangements to get Aaron where he needed to be on Saturday, and called the right people.

When I got to the funeral home, I was told what I needed to sing and got with the organist…. How Great Thou Art and Victory In Jesus…. 2 songs that couldn’t mean any more to me right now!!    I got misty singing both of them…   Well…. right before the service began, I got a text from my brother, saying that he found a wash machine for me… and its FREE!!!  FREE… did you catch that?  I thought I was going to either have to repair mine, or replace it… trust me, replacing is cheaper… I’m in the wrong line of work!!  lol…   So that was the first blessing of the day…

After the funeral, the daughters of the beautiful lady that had passed, asked me to wait for a check.  There really wasn’t any discussion on how much I would charge… I really just left it up to their discression…. $100… yep… that’s what God used this woman’s hand to write…. $100.  Amazing…. needless to say, I went grocery shopping and I spent it all (never go when you’re hungry!!)…. but that’s why He gave it to me, right?!! 

This is just another page in my diary.  There’s been a few other things, here and there, stuff around my home and between Aaron and I… kinda private to talk about, but God is so incredibly amazing!!  I pray that I keep this momentum up forever!! 

Peace out!! 

He’s Done It Again!!!! :)

If anyone is actually following my little journey to discovering who I am in Christ… you know that daily He’s been showing me His love and provision.

I went in Wednesday morning to have my car adjusted and get an estimate from my insurance company.  A relatively painless procedure…   They estimated my car to have about $1500 in damages…. and they’ll pay $1000 of that. 

So, I took the car to my friend.  A great guy who I used to sing with at Northwood.  He looked at my car and basically said… we can do it for what your insurance company will pay.  I couldn’t believe it… but I should’ve expected it with the way the Lord is just taking care of everything in my life right now.  I think I hugged him about 3 times… thanked him profusely… He said, “Girl, you knew I’d take of you ..”  with his big smile.  I knew he’d help me out… but had no idea that he would just take care of it. 

Look at how my Father is taking care of me.  I haven’t had to ask anyone to do anything… He’s just sending them to me to do it.  He’s reminding me that I have amazing friends who show me His love everyday.

I’m not sure what else He has planned for me… but I can assure you, HE WILL BE GLORIFIED IN IT… no matter what happens next…. I do have to go to court on that ticket next week… soooooo… lol

He’s done it again….